Bolbarious Jelly
Bolbarious jelly is a secretion from the Jamaican Booty Grabber Tree Frog. Its properties change according to the surrounding light levels. In the presence of light, it has a colorful appearance, displaying all colors of the rainbow in sequence. In darkness, bolbarious jelly glows a bright silver metallic color. According to Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick Star of Bikini Bottom, the consistency and temperature of bolbarious jelly also change according to light levels. In light, It has a doughy, squishy consistency. In darkness, it is cold, reaching temperatures as low as -10℃, and very hard (Star, 1831, p. 13,756). Toxicity The book Bert’s Big Book about Bolbarious Jelly defines the toxicity of bolbarious jelly as “peculiar, paying close attention to the political boundaries of sovereign states, in order to define its own fundamental chemical nature inside the human body” (Bertram, 1999, p. 7). Bolbarious jelly is generally safe for human consumption in the United States, Bolivia, parts of the Czech Republic, and almost all of Mongolia. However, in most other countries (especially France and Thailand) bulbarious jelly is extremely toxic. Ingestion in an unsafe country causes an erection lasting longer than four hours in men, eventually depleting the brain from blood, causing death. Women typically experience a sudden urge to attend an American football game, before collapsing and dying. Discovery In 1709, Lord Sven Snickerdoodle of Iceland commissioned two scientists to find a cure for religion. The scientists departed to the Island of Bolbaria off the coast of Uruguay to study the religious belief of frogs. Upon arrival, however, two scientists decided to partake in a frog licking contest. Both scientists later died after licking bolbarious jelly from a Jamaican Booty Grabber Tree Frog. Lord Sven Snickerdoodle commissioned a new team of scientists to collect data about bolbarious jelly, named after the Island of Bolbaria. They found that on average, Jamaican Booty Grabber Tree Frogs secreted 5.5 mg of bolbarious jelly daily (Peterson, 1711, p. 13). They also discovered that only 1.5 mg of bolbarious jelly was enough to be fatal to humans (p. 44). Recreational Drug Use Bolbarious jelly is sometimes used as a recreational drug in countries where it is not poisonous. Recreational drug users have reported profound effects of bolbarious jelly. When ingested, the user can run twice as fast, jump twice as high, and weigh half as much. In 2004, olympic gold medalist Hoesay Barnacles of Gabon was indicted for perjury. Barnacles allegedly lied under oath about his bolbarious jelly usage (Bertram, 1999, p. 657). Since 2004, many professional athletes have been found guilty of using bolbarious jelly. As a result, the Bolbarious Jelly Abuse Prevention Foundation (B.J.A.P.F.) was founded in 2005. To this day, bolbarious jelly usage is strictly regulated by the BJAPF in the world of professional athletics. References Star, P. (1831). Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick’s Adventures on the Island of Bolbaria. San Francisco, CA: Wadsworth, Wadsworth, Wadsworth, Wadsworth & Wadsworth Publishing Corporation. Bertram, B. (1999). Bert’s Big Book about Bolbarious Jelly. Bertramia, CA: Bert & Bert Bookbinding. Peterson, F. (1711). Discoveries on the Island of Bolbaria. Reykjavikc, Iceland: Snickerdoodle Publishing.